I hate how I drive people away. Even when it’s only temporarily.
Sometimes when I’m down, someone will try to tell me things to make me feel better. And I know they’re trying to be helpful, but when I’m really depressed nothing is going to get through and make me think, “You know what? Things are actually kind of OK.”
But I don’t seem to be capable of actually telling someone, at least in the moment, “I know you’re trying to help, and I appreciate it, but trust me on this one — it’s a wasted effort.”
Instead I end up arguing about how yes, things actually are that bad. And then I’m bringing them down, and they just stop talking because they don’t know what to say.
I wish I could just come out right away and tell people, “if you want to make me feel better, talk to me about normal things.”
Don’t tell me that you think I’m great, because I certainly don’t think I’m great so I’m not going to believe it when you say it. I might believe that you think I am, but it won’t convince me to believe it myself. I’ll just figure that I’ve got you fooled.
And don’t tell me how things could be worse, because then I’ll start dwelling on ways that things will get worse. Because it life has taught me anything, it’s that things can always get worse.
Just…let me know that you’re there. I’m probably not going to want to talk about specifics, because every time I do I end up scaring people away.
But it does help if someone just says that they understand that I’m down, and that they are still my friend. Because my biggest fear is losing the few friends that I do have, and every time I get down on myself, I feel like I’m on the verge of losing all of them.
I truly do thank those of you who have ever tried to cheer me up and somehow haven’t run away screaming yet despite how difficult I am. I really do appreciate it. I suck at showing it, but I do appreciate the fact that you wanted to try.
I just wish I wasn’t so broken, and that the whole “cheer up” thing actually worked on me.