this is the real first page of a real book by a real Fox News host
"I am old as shit and have bad opinions"
this is literally disgusting
Well quack quack quack baby
twerked on by Washington DC is the best political phrase after redpilled by moldbug.
Allow me to offer a partial translation:
I feel like a Confederate in a Union world.
I also don’t know the first thing about the Bible, because I’m equating my love of a book that says “thou shalt not kill” with my love of weapons designed to do just that.
I only clinging so hard to my Bible and my gun and my sugary beverage because I’m convinced that President Obama is trying to take them away from me, despite a complete and total lack of evidence supporting any part of that claim.
Also, the apostle Peter was definitely talking about me and my family when he referred to the “chosen generation” spoken of in 1 Peter 2:9, written in about 60AD. Sure, Peter told people to always share their hope (1 Peter 3:15), but I choose to spread fear instead because it’s better for ratings and book sales. That’s what makes me such a good Christian.
I grew up in a simpler time — when we didn’t have all this new-fangled technology (even though we didn’t mind the new-fangled technology of the time), and black people were kept in their place. People hid who they really were out of fear of being lynched. You know…the good old days — when a rainbow was a symbol of love, not a symbol of…well, a type of love that I personally hate. God’s rainbow was a symbol of love for people like me, not people like you.
Also, for full disclosure, the book is God Less America by Todd Starnes, in which he panics about how secularists are taking away his right to worship God (again, despite the complete and total lack of evidence that this is occurring). He seems to be confusing his right to worship with his perceived right to force his beliefs onto other people. The book hasn’t actually been released yet — it comes out on May 6.
Sure, here’s one. I may go to hell for this. I hope it’s worth it.
From the Book of John, chapter 8 (King Jimmy Version):
1: Jesus went unto the mount of tumblr.
2: And early in the morning he came again into the temple after seeing some reblogged porn, and all the people came unto him, for he was a pretty hot guy for a son of God; and he sat down, which is pretty gross when you consider all the coming that just went on.
3: And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had right-clicked and saved her in the midst,
4: They say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act. We were watching her through her window, but it was totally her fault.
5: Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou? Didst he mean with the ganja, or, like, with rocks and stuff?
6: This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger clicked on a link to a funny cat video, as though he heard them not.
7: So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that has never sent a dick pic among you, let him first cast a stone at her.
8: And again he stooped down, and checked some basketball scores.