I’ve talked before here about the time I downed 40 Vicodin at once, and waited to die. Obviously, it didn’t do the job.
As I’ve said before, I promised myself that I was going to stick around as long as possible to see how life ends, no matter how bad things get.
That promise is getting harder and harder to keep.
Before you panic, don’t worry, nothing is going to happen right away. It’s just that last week while I was in he bathtub I dozed off and dreamt that I went through with the old beach scene with the gun that I talked about a week or so ago.
And it was a peaceful feeling. And I haven’t been able to get the thought out of my head. Usually the desire goes away after a couple days or so. Not this time.
I get so sick of trying and trying and getting shit on by life. I try as hard as I can to be a good person, and it just gets me walked all over. Every boss I’ve ever had would say good things about me, but that isn’t enough to get me hired. Ladies love me on the internet, but it’s been a year and a half since I’ve so much as had a date.
I feel like a perpetual failure. At everything. I’ve never felt more useless in my life than I do right now. I feel like my best will never be good enough.
And I don’t know if it’s good or bad that I don’t think I’d have the balls to do it, even if I decided to go through with it.
Sorry for venting. I’ll go back to trying to pretend that everything’s OK for a while. Maybe that will help.
19 Notes/ Hide
- justkisschris likes this
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- molotovcoqteez said: 'The fuck Kenny…'The fuck…I'm gone for one day and this is what I come back to? If you were a failure, we wouldn't love you so damn much. *Hugs*
- shmudge said: Please don’t. If anything, hold on for me. Your post make a difference. Please don’t get comfortable with that thought. Please push it away like a plague.
- forsakenallie said: Sometimes you just have to vent. Doesn’t matter to whom. You were heard. You are loved. Other people know how you feel too. <3
- sweeteststoryline said: Please dont. My good friend lost his best friend about a month ago. I knew the guy too. He was devastated and didnt know how to continue on with his life. And still doesn’t. Every dynamic changes and everyone doesn’t know how to continue
- anotherherpinkribbons said: Check your DM, hon.
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