We’re less than four months away form the election and Mitt Romney isn’t talking much about what he would do as president (other than take away health care).

So let’s take a look at his web site.

Cool, Mitt’s got a list of things he has an opinion on. It’s a start, and more than he actually speaks about when he does appearances. So let’s see what we can learn about how Mitt Romney feels.

Well, for one thing, he sure is playing the jingoism card. Apparently other countries are supposed to be having “An American Century.” I’m guessing it’s the amount of time he wants to spend invading those areas.

(at least it’s sort of accurate in the case of Latin America, just not the way Mitt means “America”)

So I guess everyone is supposed to bow down to America for 100 years or something. Not quite sure where Mitt’s going with that, but that tagline only appears on pages having to do with foreign policy, so there seems to be a definite “we’re better than you and we know better than you” vibe to the tagline.

Anyway, on to the issues. The following are summaries of what his site says about his position on the issues:

• Afghanistan & Pakistan: Remember 9/11? That sucked, didn’t it? And while it was cool that Obama killed Bin Laden, he still sucks because he wants to end the war. We need a commitment to stay in this war forever if needed because otherwise Pakistan won’t listen to us. We need to expand our ever-so-successful War on Drugs to their nations, and keep them underfoot (the actual line is “The United States enjoys significant leverage over both of these nations. We should not be shy about using it”).
   
• China & East Asia: We need to be ready to go to war with China, because their economy is big now. At the very least, we need to show a strong military presence in the area to tell them not to fuck with us. Winning hearts and minds, people.
  
  We also need a “Reagan Economic Zone,” because I need to invoke his name and that way everyone in the East can enjoy the benefits of having rich people get richer and poor people get poorer, just like in the United States.
  
  Oh, and we need to be ready for war with North Korea, too.
  
  
• Iran: We need to be ready to go to war with Iran. They may be developing nukes.
  
  
• Israel: We need to be ready to go to war against the Palestinians. They’re, like, terrorists or something.
  
  
• Latin America: We need to be ready to go to war against Venezuela and Cuba (they’re socialists, just like Obama), and send even more military into Mexico to fight drug cartels. We’ll also call more stuff “terrorism” to give us the right to attack in Latin American countries without calling it “war.”
  
  
• Middle East: We need to instill the leaders that WE choose into the countries which have had revolts (just like we put Saddam Hussein in power). It’s mostly Iran’s fault when that doesn’t happen. Oh, and we need to be ready to go to war in Syria and go back to war in Iraq.
  
  
• National Defense: We need to spend more on our military. How else are we going to invade all these countries? We were building 1,000 ships per year during WWII. Now it’s only nine per year. Why aren’t we building as many as we did in a World War? We need to strengthen our military might…for peace.
  
  
• Russia: All the stuff we’ve done with Russia so far? Gone. Thrown out like a baby in bathwater. They aren’t bowing to us yet. I’ll throw out the START Nuclear Proliferation Treaty, because we have to give up too many nukes. We need our nukes. They make us powerful. Iran isn’t allowed to even think about nukes…but we can’t give ours up!
  
  Russia also needs to do what the people want, not what the leaders want. We don’t do that here, but they totally should.
  
  
• Courts & The Constitution: Stupid courts, “interpreting” the Constitution. If it ain’t specifically written down, they should just dismiss the case and send it to Congress. They shouldn’t be concerned with right and wrong; only the will of Congress. Checks and balances? What are those?
  
  
• Education: The website says that education should not be a luxury, and that all students should be able to attend a college “which best suits their needs.” What does that mean? Well, outside the website, Mitt says that students should “get as much education they can afford.” So it may be a useless online degree, but as long as you can afford it, you should be able to take those classes.
  
  
• Energy: We’ll try to protect the environment, but not if that would mean less oil. And say goodbye to carbon dioxide limits in the Clean Air Act (we can breathe that stuff just as well as oxygen, right?).
  
  
• Gun Rights: Without guns there is no freedom. Isn’t that what William Wallace said in Braveheart? Meh, close enough. It’s a basic right (unlike marriage…guns good, love bad).
  
  
• Health Care: Day one in office: Tell all 50 states that Obamacare is voluntary. From there, it’s up to the states to figure out how to insure people. We’ll also throw out those pesky “standards and requirements” that insurance companies don’t really want. Then we’ll pass a law saying that preexisting conditions can’t disqualify someone for insurance…as long as they already have insurance. If the coverage isn’t continuous, sucks to be them.
  
  
• Human Capital: End federal workforce training programs. Leave it up to the states. Bring in foreign workers to run things, because they do it better than Americans (seriously, that’s what it says in the last paragraph). That’s a lot easier than improving our own education system.
  
  
• Immigration: Bring in more immigrants who have advanced degrees (you know, the rich ones). If they can afford to come here to go to college and get an advanced degree, they’re in. For everyone else, get that fence up. And NO Amnesty for current illegal immigrants. That’s the one thing that Reagan did that we don’t talk about.
  
  
• Labor: Unions used to be cool. Now they suck. They contribute to political campaigns. And while it’s true that corporations are people my friends, unions are not. Screw them.
  
  
• Medicare: Obama is rationing out care. “Sorry, grandma, we’re all out of heart medication.” Instead, we should make people buy their own insurance when they’re old, because if there’s competition in heath care, the cost goes down, right? Imagine what that $18 baby aspirin would cost without competition! I know, the hospitals have to make up what they lose on people who can’t pay…but the individual mandate of Obamacare that would fix that was bad anyway!
  
  
• Regulation: Regulations are bad for the economy. They get in the way of corporate profits! Who cares about the environment and sustainability when my rich friends could be making even more money?
  
  
• Social Security: Keep making the retirement age older. So what if it’s already 70 years old to get full Social Security benefits? You people can work until you’re 90.
  
  
• Spending: We need to spend less. Except on the Military. And my plan assumes a 4% increase in the economy every year. But we can cut Obamacare, cut the arts, dump Planned Parenthood, and cut pay for government workers (but most likely not Congress or the President).
  
  
• Tax: Rich people pay too much. So do corporations. This hurts business like General Electric (or would, if they didn’t use lobbying for tax breaks and “innovative accounting” to lower their tax burden significantly).
  
  
• Trade: We aren’t dominating the world yet. Wee need the Reagan Economic Zone so the rest of the world can worship him as we do (except for the amnesty thing…stop bringing that up!). China sucks.
  
  
• Values: Overturn Roe v. Wade so states can outlaw abortion (damn those activist judges). Stop all funding to Planned Parenthood (including cancer screenings…you’ve been born so now we don’t care about you anymore) because they aren’t pro life. Enable doctors to refuse treatment on moral grounds. Also, fuck China and their “one child” policy. The world must be peopled!
  
  Stem cell research? Not if it uses cells from embryos! I don’t care if it doesn’t have any internal organs, it’s a human, and its life is more valuable than you and your disease that could be cured with the stem cell research. Again: you’ve already been born, so I don’t care about you anymore.
  
  And gay marriage? Not on my watch. Marriage is really rewarding and is critical for the well-being of a civilization…but only if you’re straight.

So that’s Mitt’s platform in a nutshell, at least as I read it. Feel free to read it yourself. I’m not really into starting more wars, looking after rich people at the expense of the poor, denying rights to gay couples, judging those for whom abortion may be their only option, or taking away the power of the judicial branch of the government.