Ali Baba, or the Forty Thieves
In a town of Persia lived two brothers, sons of a poor man; one named Cassim, the other Ali Baba. Cassim, the elder, married rich and took it easy while saying that poor people just don’t work hard enough. He was contemplating a run for the presidency; but the wife of Ali Baba was as poor as himself: they dwelt in a mean cottage in the suburbs, and he was more of a 99%-er. Ali Baba was in the forest, cutting wood (I bet some of you who know how the story is worded here expected me to say something else, but no dice), when he saw a troop of horsemen approaching. He hastily climbed a large thick tree, and hid himself among the branches, thankful that the Chloe Memisevic-like frame his hunger had afforded him let him look like just another twig in the tree.
Ali Baba counted forty of them; each took a loaded portmanteau from his horse, wondered why they didn’t just call them “suitcases,” and, turning to the rock, said, “Open, Sesame;” immediately a door opened, and Big Bird welcomed them in, and then the door closed my itself, proclaiming that the opening had been brought to you by the letters B, V, and the number 6. In a short time the door opened again, and the robbers came out, who said, “Shut, Sesame.” The door instantly closed as a harmonica played in the background and an announcer said that the cave opening had been made possible by a grant from the W.M. Keck Foundation.
Ali Baba ventured down, and approaching the rock, said, “Open, Sesame.” Immediately the door flew open. He brought his asses, and took as many bags of gold coin as they could carry, glad to finally be sticking it to the man.
Ali Baba told his brother the secret of the cave, because Ali Baba was an idiot. Cassim rose early next morning, and set out with ten mules loaded with great chests. He made each of those ladies carry big suitcases, too.
He found the rock, and having said, “Open Sesame,” gained admission, where he found more treasures than he expected, which made him forget the word that caused the door to open. “Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street” did nothing. Neither did singing “Rubber Duckie.” Presently he heard the sound of horses’ feet, which he concluded to be the robbers, who instantly put him to death for stealing what they had rightfully stolen.
Ali Baba drove to the forest to occupy some more of Wallgrabar Street, and on entering the cave, he found the body of his brother cut into quarters. He took the quarters, and put them upon one of his asses, put his own ass on a donkey, and delivered the body to Cassim’s wife.
Morgiana, a female slave in his brother’s house, was sent early next morning to a poor cobbler, and gave him two pieces of gold to go with her blindfolded; taking him into the room where the body was lying, bade him sew the mangled limbs together.
Mustapha said “Simba, a king’s time as ruler rises and falls like the sun” before realizing that that was Mufasa’s line, not his. Then he obeyed, though he had been hoping for a WAY different experience when Morgiana had first approached him…he thought the blindfold had just been a kinky touch. Having received two pieces of gold, he was led blindfolded the same way back.
Cassim was buried with all due solemnity, as mourners were told that he had just died in a tragic sewing accident, and Ali Baba removed to the house of his deceased brother, because it was nicer than the place he had in the projects.
The captain of the troop of thieves decided that he had to find out who had blabbed to Cassim, since he knew well that Cassim was not smart enough to figure it out on his own, and disguising himself, went to the city early one morning, when, accosting the cobbler, he was told of the job he had, who for six pieces of gold, allowed himself to be blindfolded, and traced out the house of Cassim, which the robber marked with chalk, and talked at length about the overuse of commas, but basically sold Morgiana and Ali Baba out because he was still bitter about not getting a happy ending from Morgiana.
Buying nineteen mules and thirty-nine large jars, one full of oil, and the rest empty, the captain put a man into each jar (these were huge jars, not shrunken thieves, though that would have been interesting as well), properly armed, and then proceeded to the street where Ali Baba dwelt.
“Sir,” said he, “I have brought this oil a great way to sell; as I am quite a stranger, will you let me put my mules into your courtyard, and direct me where I may lodge to-night?” Ali Baba welcomed the pretended oil merchant, offered him a bed in his own house, and invited his guest in to supper, because he was a sucker.
Morgiana, sitting up later that night than usual while surfing the internet, her lamp ran out of oil; she took her oil pot in her hand, and approaching the first jar, the robber within said: “Is it time, captain?” she replied, “No, not yet” (years of smoking had made her voice sound like a man’s); so she ran back to the kitchen, and brought out a large kettle (really large, in fact), which she filled with oil, set it on a great wood fire, and as soon as it boiled, she went and poured into the jars sufficient of the boiling oil to kill every man within.
Every man who apparently did not hear the screams of those killed before him, because these jars were pretty well soundproof, despite the breathing holes drilled into them. She boiled them all alive, one by one. Shoot, don’t even try to figure that one out. If Santa can get around the world in one night, this lady can silently pour boiling oil on 38 men and kill them within a matter of minutes.
Also, no fair pointing out that, since 39 jars were bought, and one filled with oil, this leaves one thief unaccounted for. If it really bothers you, then just run with the assumption that the leader of the troop really didn’t like him and put him in the jar full of oil.
The captain of the robbers arose to assemble his men. Coming to the first jar, he felt the steam of the boiled oil! He ran hastily to the rest, and found every one of his troop put to death, and looking like a large McNugget. Full of rage, he forced the lock of the door, and made his escape over the walls. Because he didn’t really want to use the door, he just wanted to break the lock on it. Going over the walls was better for his image, and helped him keep in shape.
Without letting any one into the secret, Ali Baba and Morgiana the next night buried the thirty-nine thieves at the bottom of the garden. The captain at length, however, determined to adopt a new scheme for the destruction of Ali Baba. He removed all the valuable merchandise from the cave to the city, and took a shop right across the street from Ali Baba’s house. Ali Baba’s son went every day to his shop, because the captain had decided to have video games in there.
The pretended Cogia Hassan soon appeared to be very fond of Ali Baba’s son, offered him many presents, and often detained him to dinner. He also introduced him to a game called “what’s in my pocket,” but that’s a story for a totally different type of audience.
Ali Baba thought it was necessary to make some return to these civilities, and he invited Cogia Hassan to supper; Morgiana carried in the first dish herself. The moment she looked at Cogia Hassan, she knew it was the pretended oil merchant. She sent the other slaves into the kitchen, and waited at table herself, hoping for a bigger tip for doing it without help; and while Cogia Hassan was drinking, she saw that it was a dagger in his pocket — he wasn’t just happy to see her.
She went away, and dressed herself in a G-string and a Hooters T-shirt. As soon as she appeared at the parlor door, her master ordered her to come in to entertain his guest with some of her best dancing. Morgiana danced several times before the assembled company, until, coming opposite Cogia Hassan, she drew a dagger from her girdle and plunged it into the robber’s heart. As a reward for her faithfulness, Ali Baba gave her in marriage to his son, and even bought her a Spearmint Rhino franchise of her own.
The moral of the story: If you’re going to steal from thieves, make sure your slave girl is a badass.
